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creamsicle's Blog


dream

I had a seriously erotic dream about a coworker I'd never have thought about that way during my awake hours... wow, saw him today and my body immediately reacted, as if it really happened! That's so weird.... Kind of embarrassing. I hope he didn't notice.

Yesterday, I thought nothing much of him, today I want him bad! Is that weird???

Rant of the day

Apparently I haven't written in my blog in over two years!
WOW

Anyway, just here to bitch about the husband right now because there's noplace else to vent.   This morning he was rushing me to get to the store (to buy dog food, which we weren't even out of yet)  Ok, I get it - he was bored.

Then we get out and about, we stop at Walmart to pick some stuff up.  He gets mad because I wanted ice cream and walked up and back the aisle to see what brands were on sale and cheapest this week.  I was taking too long...  whatever, so we didn't buy any.   Then after we're rung up and leaving, I realize the woman took my 6$ in coupons but didn't take them off our bill.   The store wasn't crowded, I wanted to go back and get it fixed - he gets pissed, it's gonna take too long and it's ONLY 6$  (that's 10% of our 60% bill mind you, I thought it was worth going back for - but didn't... so I'm out the 6$ AND the coupons now since she kept them)

So, in the car I ask what or where we are in such a rush to get to.  No answer....   we go home.   So, now we are here doing absolutely nothing important (me, playing online and doing laundry - and him messing around in the yard)

What the hell was the big stink about?  HE WAS THE ONE who wanted to get out of the house, and he gets mad because I spend 1 minute in the ice cream aisle and wanted to go back and spend 3 minutes getting our 6$ back??

I will NEVER understand men.

EVER


K - done now.

Feeling really depressed lately

I hate my job.  I mean, I really really REALLY hate it lately.  I get a sick feeling every night thinking about having to go back....

I'm worried that I chose the wrong major in college and that I'm not going to do well, or like working in law, which scares me because I might end up stuck at my current workplace FOREVER!!!!  (plus, school isn't exactly cheap - am I wasting my money?)

I'm not broke (yet) but THINGS keep freakin' happening that I have to pay for and my bank account is getting smaller

Christmas is coming and that means a whiney kid who doesn't want to spend time with family, would rather spend time with her friends and running around buying stuff and spending MORE money on gifts that'll be forgotten almost instantaneously

My ex is in a$$hold mode again and the more I ignore him the more text messages and nasty emails he sends me.... not going to deal with it, he can have his lawyer try to change our custody agreement, I'm fine with it just the way it is - not playing his stupid games.  If I end up back in court, I'll be cutting his visitation DOWN..... not giving him more.   Still, every time the phone beeps or I see his name on incoming mail - it irks the crap out of me.   Why the heck can't he communicate in person or by phone like normal people anyway??  He's freakin 50 - not 15!!   Oh wait, his new wife won't LET HIM speak to me.... she must approve all conversations in advance.  If I call him and he answers accidentally he is unable to communicate unless he calls me back after he checks with her as to what he is and is not allowed to do.  Most of the time I just get his voice mail and no call back (a text reply if anything) or the door slammed in my face if I'm at his house and told to leave by said new wife because I am at HER HOUSE and not welcome - or he'll hurry and pull out of the driveway at my house when he sees me coming to speak to him when he brings our daughter home.

My sex drive is pretty much gone again.  This time, I almost don't even care.   Last time it disappeared I missed it and wanted it back, not this time.  I'm fine with being left alone - when I do have sex it feels like a hassle and it pisses me off that my boyfriend doesn't seem to notice my lack of interest or even TRY to do anything to get me in the mood - whatever, the faster it's over the better right now.  So long as one of us enjoys it is all that matters, right?

My interest in running and exercise is gone - it's all forced right now, and barely exists.

I want to eat everything in sight, lots and lots of sweets....  and I have been giving in on a daily basis.

I think that covers it all.....   money issues, work issues, ex issues,  sex issues, weight issues, food issues - all bothering me all at once.

No wait, one more thing.  I'm getting married in 4 months.  Haven't planned a thing beyond picking a date and knowing where we want to go on the honeymoon.   I'm so totally NOT excited about having a wedding - don't really know what do to about that either.    I keep thinking I should feel excited and be looking forward to it, but I'm just not - and that depresses me even more.

My "fiance"

Tonight we are having my daughter's 13 year birthday party.  She's got 6 friends here spending the night - we are going to see the movie Eclipse at midnight.   I had to quiet everyone down a bit because my boyfriend was trying to sleep (he has to leave at 2am)  My daughter informed me that he's "not my boyfriend, he's my fiance" in front of all of her friends!!

So weird...  because the two of them kinda clash, him not being her father and her being a tween and having some loyalty issues.   It made me smile.  Yes, we've been engaged 4 months now but I've yet to begin calling him that - she's the first one to vocalize it.   I think that's pretty cool.

:o)





He said yes!

I asked again....   he said yes!  Then he suggested we go shopping for rings on Saturday.  I told him I don't know about buying one just yet, as I hadn't even looked at pricing or thought about what I'd like to have - but looking is fine.   It'll be insanely fun!

He also agreed to engagement photos- which is how we intend to announce this.  We're just going to send out photo announcements to our families - and about a week after that I'll change my status on facebook to "engaged" - which'll take care of letting all my secondary friends and relatives know as they're all on my friends list  (Ah - technology)

I mentioned to him again about the Feb 29, 2012 marriage date - and told him I was kinda only kidding, and he could pick whatever date he wanted.   He said he thought perhaps April Fools day would be more appropriate  (considering we are ALWAYS saying people are fools for getting married) - and perhaps we will be too, it is kinda suitable!  (but not THIS April! - I won't be "ready" that quickly for sure)


I think I want to get married... I must be temporarily insane

I'm twice divorced and things are great between us exactly the way they are after almost 7 years of being UN-married.   I find myself thinking about it a lot, which is weird - because I never thought I'd want to get married again, have been terrified of the entire concept due to the financial devastation I went through after each divorce.   A few years ago we had a brief conversation about it, and we both decided it wasn't something we wanted to do at the time, and maybe we'd talk about it again in a few years.  I jokingly mentioned to him a few weeks ago that we should get married on February 29, 2012 - because then he'd only have to worry about forgetting our anniversary once every 4 years.  He just laughed and jokingly told me I wasn't allowed to propose to him if I hadn't bought him an engagement ring.   I dunno....  why the heck am I thinking about this at all??   Why mess with a good thing?  Have I not learned ANYTHING from the past??!!??   I've seen how quickly marriage can ruin a good relationship.


I seriously must be going insane.


Poor self image - will I ever get past that?

Today I had lunch with a salesman.  I'd never met him before today although we've talked on the phone many times.  He's very smart and funny, and good at his job.  He was in my area today and called me to see if we could finally meet in person (as lots of salesmen will do).   When I went into the lobby to meet him, his looks about knocked me off my feet.  He was tall, thin, healthy, beautiful hair, nicely dressed - my age.   Usually the salesmen who come to see me are old, bald, dumpy, weird, pushy, stereotypical salesmen.   I felt like I was on a date, he was a HUGE flirt....  and during this "date" I found myself feeling a bit inferior.  Very aware that I haven't done any exercise for almost 2 months now, feeling horrendously fat....  thinking to myself that even though I found this man incredibly attractive there was no way in hell that I'd EVER sleep with him because I wouldn't want him to see my body naked.

Wow.

I felt ashamed of my body.... even after having maintained the majority of my weight loss for over 3 years.  Even though I am just a hair above what is considered to be a normal weight by BMI.   I found myself thinking how I actually love my boyfriend because he is NOT perfect- because his body does not make me feel inferior.  Because I do not feel ashamed of myself around him, because he loves me for me and has loved me at 200 pounds and has loved me at 138 pounds and he's loved me when I was a calorie counting fiend who was a cardio nut that went running and bike riding 7 days a week for hours at a time and he's loved me when I've been a total couch potato wanting to go the the all-you-can-eat buffet multiple times a week.   Not once has he ever complained about my body or my eating habits... or my excessive exercise or lack of exercise.   Never.  But then, nor have I about his...  because I have also loved him everywhere from 215-270 pounds.  I don't care what he looks like, I've liked him all along and every way. 

I wish I could feel that way about my own self!!

But there I sat with this perfect specimen of a male - who ordered steamed shrimp and salad, who barely touched his french fries.....  and I felt inferior.   and ugly.  and fat.

How the hell do you ever get over that????  Will I EVER be happy with myself?   Yea- I'm trying to lose a few pounds again.  My goal is 16 pounds by mid-April, about 1.5 pounds a week.   I know I can do it, I just have to start running again, and quit eating chocolate - it could be a cinch (especially since I plan on winning a Wii for losing that much!  LOL)   I'll be back down to the low 140's again if I can do that, right where I should be according to doctors.   But I still won't be happy - I'll still feel fat.  Even 16 pounds lighter, there would still be no way I'd let that salesman see me naked!

I hate my body.


I weighed and measured myself today.

Once upon a time I was a massive health fanatic.  Weighing and measuring my food, counting my grams of fat, protein, fiber, and making sure all my nutrients were exactly where they should be.  Stepping on the scale multiple times a day.  I was a cardio freak - exercising up to 2 hours a day almost every day of the week.  I looked good, I felt good. I drove myself crazy!!!

I lost "it" sometime during 2009.  Not really sure exactly when or why, but I haven't done a lick of exercise since November.  My last food diary entry was in August right along with the last time I measured myself.  My pants and clothes still seemed to be fitting, but my belly and other body part have definitely started softening up....  I knew that wasn't what I wanted, but in a way I've kind of enjoyed the freedom of eating the foods I'd missed.  I've enjoyed having totally lazy days and not feeling a bit guilty about staying inside when it's been cold, raining, or snowing instead of forcing myself to go jog 5 miles just to burn calories  (even though every time I do force myself, I feel fantastic when I get back!)

Today I weigh almost 10 pounds more than I did one year ago.... My measurements were all up 1/2 - 2".  I am NOT happy about that.  It does NOT feel good.  It is time to find my old good habits again.   This cup of coffee I am drinking right now - the one that tastes absolutely fantastic because it's full of Coffee Mate Italian Sweet Creme coffee creamer (at 35 calories TBSP/1.5 grams fat each) will be my last one like it.   Tomorrows coffee will be back to having 1% milk and sweet 'n low in it.

 

I will miss my food, but I will not miss my fat.


I just calculated the time

& realized that my current boyfriend is now the longest lasting relationship I've had in my lifetime.

My first husband lasted 6 years 8 months.

Second husband lasted 6 years 6 months.

This current relationship has just entered it's 6th year and 9th month!!   The biggest difference is that I STILL like him (lots!)  where in my other relationships I'd been unhappy and trying to figure out how to leave for at least a year or more at the end.  

Thing is- we're not married!  (maybe that's the trick!)  

 


My Christmas present

My boyfriend gave me a really expensive electric mixer for Christmas... I posted a question about it yesterday wondering what the hell to do with it because I have no use for it and really would have preferred a dishwasher if he was going to spend so much!

I got the guts up today, and told him I'd like to return/exchange it- and he agreed!!!   He didn't seem upset at all, even went shopping with me to look at them today.   I found one at Lowe's, who will price match +10% the difference a matching price (which I found it a lot cheaper at Best Buy)   Looks like I'm going to be able to get a GE portable dishwasher for about 365$ shipped free to my house!!

I also returned a digital photo frame my daughter gave me that I'd never use... so, 41$ for the frame plus 265$ for the mixer, plus my 50$ Christmas bonus at work and a few dollars of my own thrown in will pretty much cover it.

I SOOOoooooooOOOOOOOooooooOOOO  need a dishwasher!   I am so excited, I can't wait til it gets here!!

This is another one of those times when he made me realize how much I love him, the fact that he's so easy going and understanding.

-and last night's playtime didn't hurt when it came to reminding me of that either!


24 years

Wow - it just hit me that this would be my 24th wedding anniversary if I were still married to my 1st husband!

I'm getting old.


I deleted a blog entry tonight

That makes one blog entry and one story I've written since I've been on EP that I felt too personal to leave here.

I'm such a wimp!


Not feeling so hot tonight

I'm having one of those "female moments" I think

I feel fat... I never want to eat again.   I'm seriously contemplating that tummy tuck I've been wanting forever and wondering if 4 weeks'll be enough time off work to recover if I lined up all my vacation and sick time next Spring.   Ugh - who am I kidding, there's nobody who would be able to do my job for that long, I can barely take more than a day off!!   I'd have no drivers when I got back!   I highly doubt I could drive 7 trucks by myself.   LOL

I had a minor disagreement with my boyfriend tonight - I was flirting with him and he thought I was accusing him of  (??? - I have no clue)  I think he'd just finished masturbating to porn or something and was getting defensive expecting me to be mad for some reason, although I had no clue up until he acted that way - nor do I really care.  The whole situation was weird, but he got snappish when I thought we were playing, then he got quiet and wouldn't talk to me for an hour or so and then he apologized and got all lovey dovey (and by that point he'd got on my nerves for acting that way and I wanted nothing to do with him)

Except - it made me feel fat.  Yea... I know, MY problem- but every time something makes me feel bad I go back to that.  He doesn't tell me I'm fat, we weren't even talking about my weight but that's how it goes in my (yes, female) mind.     So - I didn't eat dinner, I moped around for awhile and now I'm online procrastinating going to bed.   

& I know, half the problem is that he works from 2am-2, 3, 4, 6, sometimes 7pm - and he's TIRED.   But that's his choice, he loves his job and that's fine by me.  He's been driving since before we met and I've known his schedule since day 1.   That, and I used to have the same freakin' schedule and totally understand!!   I do kinda miss the freedom of being on the road and don't much care for my "cubicle" - but the paychecks are nicer now and I don't miss the screwy hours.

Amazing how things could be going so well for the past few months between us and in 2 seconds flat he's managed to totally ruin all of my sexual confidence again.   I will NOT flirt with him for a good long while, I can guarantee it....  because as nice as these past few months of being able to say and do anything I wanted with no bad reactions from him, with actually getting positive responses - well, the years of rejection and being pushed away or ignored are still very fresh- and it's definitely not fun.   If he's tired, then so be it.   I'll keep my hands off and my mouth shut and just wait til - well, who the hell knows how long I'll be waiting!   LOL

Everything seemed so normal when I got home this afternoon.   He said hello, he kissed me and hugged me just fine.   What the hell??  How was I supposed to know he was in super-grouch mode at that attempting to "tease him" would backfire??  He KNEW I was just teasing and didn't REALLY expect sex - I mean, it was freakin' 5pm and my daughter was home and about!!

I just don't get it.  I don't get HIM.   I will NEVER understand any man....   ever.  

I just feel fat.

I really want that tummy tuck - maybe I'll win the lottery or something, who knows.

 

K - I'm done whining now.


Watersports?

Watersports.... what a stupid word!  I think I much prefer the term "golden showers" 

This is something that my boyfriend shared with me awhile back that he was interested in trying.  Not because he was 100% sure he'd like it "in real life" but it was fascinating to him and he only ever had one short experience that involved it.   He never really elaborated on what he wanted to do - but we decided we'd share an experience the first time in our big bathtub together.   It's probably been at least a year since he mentioned it, and there's really only been 3 attempts on my part to do this...  even though we've been together for 6.5 years, I still feel shy about certain things (as does he, obviously- since he can't seem to put into words exactly what he'd like me to do!)   Well, it seems I have a "shy bladder" and my first two attempts were unsuccessful.   But last night I managed to "get there!"   I have to say, the actual peeing isn't/wasn't really a turn on for me - it felt rather awkward, but the reaction I got from him was absolutely fantastic!!   I had climbed up top and was leaning mostly on one knee so he could be inside me yet see what was going on at the same time, and the water was only up to his sides so we weren't underneath it.   I managed to let just a little out here and there (even though I had drank lots of water trying to be able follow through this time)   It was enough for him to see it and feel the heat and WOW - he went nuts!    This is definitely something that is on my "to do again" list! 

I am hoping that will a little more practice and now knowing how much he liked it that my bladder will be a little less shy in the future.

     


Sex

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12 hours later I realized he was hitting on me!

I had to go to work early today, it's the week before a holiday and always busy.  One particular order was very large and wouldn't fit on it's regular truck so I chose to drive it out to Philadelphia myself.   This was a stop that used to be regularly mine...  The warehouse manager (Tim) and I used to flirt quite a bit, and I actually missed going there and seeing him when I got my promotion.  It's probably been a year and a half since I'd seen him!  Of course, I used to flirt with pretty much ANYONE on my route.  Not because I "wanted" them all, but just because I'm a flirt.  It's fun to make people smile, and they were ALWAYS nice to me because I was always nice to them!

So anyway, I saw Tim again today.  He's still working there, was still up for flirting.   I told him there was another big order for his place next week and that I might be bringing it again myself.   He asked me if I wanted his number to let him know it'd be me who was coming instead of the usual driver.  I said, "nope, that's OK - you'll be here when I get here either way, right??!!"  to which he replied "Yea, I guess I will be - huh"  and then I said good-bye, told him to have a good holiday weekend.

That was 8:00 this morning... it JUST dawned on me that he was trying to give me his phone number!! 

I suppose it's a good thing I didn't get it - I'd just be tempted to call him.   Yea, he's sexy- yea, he's smart, has a good job, is family oriented, has lots in common with me.  We really flirted and talked A LOT back then.    Him I flirted with because there really was attraction, it was definitely more than just being nice flirting.  I'd often fantasize that he'd follow me into the bathroom and we'd have sex, always made sure I was clean, perfectly shaved and was wearing sexy undergarments on the days I knew I'd be seeing him.   Seriously though - he lives THREE hours away!!   (and I have a boyfriend, small detail)  

I just can't believe it took me TWELVE HOURS to realize what happened this morning!

I am so blind sometimes.   


Smoking?

My boyfriend quit smoking 2 years ago.  He came home last night (after 16 hours at work) and when we crawled into bed I could smell it when he breathed.   Now, I know that sometimes he's had ONE cigarette here and there every few months and I don't really have a problem with it... in fact, it was he who chose to quit- not me who asked him to.  He smoked when we met and I was aware of that.  

No, I don't smoke- never have.  & Yes, smoking is a big turn off to me.  Yes, I had a crappy day yesterday too.   I didn't make a big deal out of it to him, just told him he smelled like cigarettes (which he didn't deny) and asked him if something was bothering him....   he answered me and we ended the conversation.

I was SOOOOOOooooo internally annoyed I can't explain it.   I wanted to just chew him out about how stupid it was, that his breath stunk, that he was being an idiot and was going to end up wasting mega-cash if he starts smoking again.   I felt about as ticked off as if I'd have found out that he cheated on me!!   Once again, irrational feelings on my part.   My logic was able to overcome my emotions so he didn't have to hear me being upset and probably has no clue I even was.....   What is wrong with me?   It's the next morning and I STILL feel annoyed with him!

I think my emotions are just on overload because of my daughter still being gone- which is NOT his fault.   I just could really would like some extra attention and coddling and am not getting it from him.   Actually, he has been being a little extra attentive when he's home, I just want more!

I don't know what the heck I want or need right now.  I feel like I'm just living in limbo and time is passing SOOOOOoooooo slow.   It's like I have NO PURPOSE whatsoever.  I work, come home, make dinner and basically sit on the couch or computer or lay in bed and do absolutely nothing waiting for time to pass so I can fall asleep and start all over again the next day.   Except, I can't sleep well, I just lay there thinking and when I do sleep I wake up really early and sit waiting for hours to go to work, it feels like this everlasting cycle.

Of all the times for him to pick to have a freakin' cigarette it had to be yesterday- when I really needed comforting from him the most  (really bad phone call from my ex followed by an email from my daughter saying she doesn't want to see me anymore- possibly written by him, and definitely influenced by him if not) 

And the fact that he was supposed to be home from work by 4pm  and didnt' get home until after 7  (not his fault)   I REALLY wanted/needed him here with me.

Irrational feelings, I know.


I can't rest

I've been up since my boyfriend left for work around 4:30am.   I've got the jitters and just feel nervous and weird.   I am off work today, it was supposed to be the day that my daughter and I hung out together for my birthday tomorrow.  This weekend was one of her planned weekends with her father and it's also father's day so I knew I wouldn't get to see her unless I took today off.  We'd been planning for the past month to go to the pool, take one of her friends along as well as my almost 4 year old grandson.   We'd have lunch out and I would drop her at her father's around 4, take the other kids home then head home myself.   If it rained, we were going to see a movie instead (probably "Up" in 3D)  

So - now she's been "stolen" by her father and I won't see her until our court date on July 7- she's been gone since last Thursday.   I feel like I should have just gone to work today instead as I really just feel crappy being home....  I dunno, maybe I'll still go get my grandson and take him to the movie.  I really do want to see it!  But I'm not sure he's old enough to sit through the whole thing and I know she wants to see it too- and I feel like I'd be leaving her out.   I'm guessing she's going to see it anyway, as her father's new girlfriend is buying her everything and anything at the moment to try to convince her that she wants to live over there so if she mentions the movie, they'll probably go (especially if they knew I'd planned on taking her)  

I need to distract myself.  I have a deck furniture set that was delivered 2 days ago - maybe I'll put that together.  Maybe I'll go for a super long bike ride or run... it is pretty nice and sunny out!   I'll probably take a good long relaxing bath - hopefully can talk the boyfriend into some extra special bedroom time when he gets home (he hopes to be home early)

 

This whole situation just sucks!!!


Twilight Zone

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to wake up, and the past 20 years will have been a dream...  I will still be married to Rob.  My older 2 children will still be babies.  I will still live in the home we built together.   Sometimes I feel like when that marriage ended (bad as it was) my life just stopped and I went into auto-pilot.   

It's been a long time, almost 20 years!!!  I am not unhappy...  I just feel like I'm living a lie.  This is NOT my life, my life was not supposed to turn out this way.

That's all.


It's coming back

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1-20 of 27 Blogs   

Previous Posts
dream, posted March 25th, 2014
Rant of the day, posted January 26th, 2013, 2 comments
Feeling really depressed lately, posted November 29th, 2010
My "fiance", posted June 29th, 2010, 1 comment
He said yes!, posted February 24th, 2010, 1 comment
I think I want to get married... I must be temporarily insane, posted February 17th, 2010, 3 comments
Poor self image - will I ever get past that?, posted January 21st, 2010, 1 comment
I weighed and measured myself today., posted January 9th, 2010
I just calculated the time, posted January 1st, 2010
My Christmas present, posted December 27th, 2009, 1 comment
24 years, posted November 8th, 2009, 4 comments
I deleted a blog entry tonight, posted November 2nd, 2009
Not feeling so hot tonight, posted October 13th, 2009
Watersports?, posted October 4th, 2009, 1 comment
Sex, posted August 16th, 2009
12 hours later I realized he was hitting on me!, posted July 2nd, 2009
Smoking?, posted June 25th, 2009
I can't rest, posted June 19th, 2009, 1 comment
Twilight Zone, posted June 10th, 2009
It's coming back, posted May 30th, 2009
My ***** of the day...., posted March 31st, 2009
Last night / this morning, posted March 22nd, 2009, 1 comment
Food, posted March 20th, 2009
I love him, posted March 17th, 2009, 1 comment
Acceptance, posted February 22nd, 2009, 1 comment
Valentine's Day, posted February 14th, 2009, 2 comments
Happy Childhood Christmas Memories??, posted December 16th, 2008
The repair man, posted November 15th, 2008
Memoirs, posted November 12th, 2008
Apparently I drink now, posted October 30th, 2008, 1 comment
Burn Out, posted October 4th, 2008

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